SO I think God must be trying to teach me something…it would be helpful if I knew what the lesson was about, BUT! I’ve been pretty ill since last Wednesday, resulting in a doctor’s visit Friday (I was put on 100% sick leave for this week), a visit to urgent care on Sunday (couldn’t keep any of my medication or food down because I was coughing so hard I was vomiting, and I couldn’t breathe…thus scaring the crap out of the boy), and another doctor visit on Tuesday (they analyzed the cultures they took on Friday and switched my medication).
As a result of not being in school, I have had a mini sick-ation. Which, other than last Wednesday – Tuesday, has been pretty awesome =) I’ve been able to just relax. I haven’t done any marking, until last night/today (and am pretty appalled at some of the results but whatever).
Thankfully, everyone back home has been praying for me =)
But I think God must be trying to teach me something with all this sick leave.
OH! side note: I got the boy sick, so we’ve been home together for the week. That’s been delightful =)
So, I can’t remember if I posted this year yet, but last year I was diagnosed with Ehler Danlos Syndrome, which is genetic but due to my awesome competitive swimming, hadn’t really presented itself.
Then it did, and it’s slowly gotten worse. I’ve missed so much work, my body is always in pain, and I hate missing work. I don’t like being in pain, but I’ve tried to go to work as much as possible, but I have a feeling I would be fired if they could fire me…Just because it is in no way in the best interest of the kids to have an inconsistent teacher. I totally get it, and honestly, wouldn’t even be upset if they did, or could. I’d be sad that I would have lost my job, but I would totally understand.
But its the other stuff that bugs me.
That the boy has to do so much for me, because I can’t do it. He’s super nice about it, and he doesn’t complain at all, and I know he’s more concerned about me than he is about having to do more things around the house or whatever, but I still don’t like it. Growing up in a traditional household this is doubly upsetting because 1. It’s my job to do it anyway, and 2. He’s working 2 full time jobs as it is, so he deserves to come home and just relax.
And he doesn’t just have to do things around the house, it’s things like massaging me, almost every day to try and get my legs/hips to move correctly with less pain (they haven’t been pain free for a while now)
My parents’ solution to it is just to “come home” as if moving back will fix everything. But moving back means moving back to live with them (ummm…no) and that I would need to find a new family doctor. My family doctor Googled my condition when I told her what I had…They don’t like me being in Sweden, and they don’t like that I stayed an extra year because of the boy. They especially don’t like that we’re considering staying another year due to his coaching job.
AND I hate missing work…like really really hate missing work. BUT I think that I may not be able to be a traditional teacher. I think why it acts up so much more when I’m working is because I’m on my feet all the time…as a student, I spent most of my time seated, and on vacation, I spend most of my time seated…and if I need to take a break, it’s nothing to say “ok, we need to stop, sorry” because it’s not like I’m upsetting anyone’s plans (we take super chill vacations…).
So, I just realized something the other day. We have a relationship with God, and that’s not new to me.. But the idea of what a relationship is just kinda hit me the other day.
So I’ve moved around a lot. Which means all of my meaningful relationships have been the ones where you don’t see the person forever, and then when you do, you catch up with them, before leaving and going on with your life.
In terms of family, I’m not really close to them, I know they love me and they would do anything to help me, and I would do the same for them, but we don’t really have many heart to hearts or anything.
And with the ex, we were long distance, so it was kind the same as my friends, when we met, awesome, and otherwise we’d just have chats and stuff…and when I wanted more than just the occasional meaningful chat or visit, things went awry…
This all led to me treating God the same way. There’d be times when is be all excited and talk to him and then there’s be tines when I didn’t. I didn’t not love Him, or not want to spend time with Him, but I just didn’t really see the necessity of it. And when people said that my idea of relationships wasn’t really healthy or normal, I’d agree, but say I didn’t really know what else it could be like…
Now that I have a boyfriend (who is Christian, and I found out the reason for my confusion before, which is a whole different story), in the same city as I am, who I work with, and who I see every single day.. I am learning how proper healthy relationships should be… They’re interesting. I like it, but I have this irrational fear that he’ll get tired of me and be like, “we need to take a break, I need my space.” And I mean a long term break… obviously we both need our own space, and need our alone time.
AND! we’re moving in together. Which is against like…everything I believe in, but we have separate bedrooms, and honestly, it was the only way we could find a place to live in Stockholm on such short notice that was affordable. Even my parents, missionaries and pastoral team, accepted it once they spoke to their Swedish friends. When I told my parents how much we were paying they said “oh that’s not too bad when you split it” – imagine their surprise when I said, “no…each!”
But anyways, the boyfriend is teaching me a lot. He’s teaching me how to be happy with someone who is there and present, but not necessarily engaging with you every moment you’re together. He’s teaching me how a healthy relationship should be. He is amazing and treats me insanely well, and has been so good with me especially since this last year is also the year I got diagnosed with some medical issues (the ones that were causing me to near faint in school on multiple occasions).
But he values me, and actually wants to be with me – and I find that weird. I know, I know, I shouldn’t but I do! And now, he’s back home in Canada, and I’m here. And I miss him so much – I’ve had trouble sleeping, and have moved into his room because it helps me sleep…
And I realized that if I feel this way about him, and he feels this way about me….imagine what God must feel for me. It’d be this times a gazillion.
So yeah. It was one of those, “oooooh, I think my heart is starting to get it” moments. It’s not like this is new to me. I grew up in the church and have always heard of this relationship business. But I’ve never really had any successful long term, always present relationships…if that makes sense.
So I dislike being noticed. I almost always try to blend into the background, or stand out really well for a bit so people think I was around longer than I was…make an impression and then leave =P
BUT I realized, today, that I dislike being noticed, partly because I think I’m not worth it, but more so because every time people notice me it leads to attention. And whether it is meant to be good or bad attention, there is always bad attention. Whether that be jealousy, or just it’s negative, or I don’t know how to deal with it (But I am getting better at dealing with attention – you know as in NOT running super fast right away…I might smile and nod for a bit longer first). Continue reading
So…this came up…somewhere: http://trustingwithoutborders.wordpress.com/2013/08/20/hypocrite/
and I really liked it.
I mean, I have the same thing with leaving. I want to know how long I will be in a place, and how much time I have left – if it’s worth making friends or not. It may be why I find it hard to make friends here in Sweden. Continue reading
So since coming to Sweden, I’ve felt on edge, on the brink…of something huge – spiritually that is. So it was kinda wobbly and I wasn’t sure what was going on, but then I finally just told God, you know what? I trust you, and whatever is going to happen, I trust you. I’ll be ok with it. And the anxiety of being on the edge, was gone. Just like that. It was weird…
But then today. I think what was coming, came. Continue reading
So before anything please watch this video. It is about 3 teenagers who are casting out demons and the like in the Ukraine…and it’s just…wrong. Like it really disturbed me.
1. They believe that Christians can be possessed (they can’t).
2. They believe that non-believers can cast out demons (they can’t).
3. Their methods are extremely questionable.
4. I feel sorry for them, because it seems like one of the girls’ father, a failed tv evangelist, is really just using them. He seems very obsessed with the cameras, and not too concerned about helping people…
I don’t think restraining women who have been abused with two HUGE burly men and then yelling at them about their sin and whacking them with bibles and crosses is really going to do anything…I mean they said they felt better and all, and I’m sure they did, and I dunno…it seems more like emotional manipulation to me. I’m so skeptical of this…
And I do believe in demons and angels and the like, and that as believer we have the authority to cast them out in Jesus’ name. But this, this is weird…and it just sits wrong. In H&D (Healing and Deliverance) at my church, it’s nothing like that…
I have no idea how to explain how very very wrong this seems to me…
so I was going to write something…about what I forget now (but it was important, so I’m sure it’ll come back to me), because I came saw that SOMEONE had viewed my blog a LOT, and weird pages from who knows when…like stuff that I had imported from OTHER blogs, just so I would have them…
so yeah, that made me all panic-y inside…I guess because I don’t like the idea of people knowing knowing me…OH! I remember part of what I was going to write about…